


Seeking a Spark in the Darkness

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Gen, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-30
Updated: 2003-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-07 04:21:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10352154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: Season: Pre-Stargate the movieSeries: Thoughts in the Darkness SeriesSummary: Sara O’Neill contemplates her feelings after Jack returns home from Iraq.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Seeking a Spark in the Darkness

##  Seeking a Spark in the Darkness

##### Written by Gallagater   
Comments? Write to us at [7j4him@prodigy.net](mailto:7j4him@prodigy.net)

  * Season: Pre-Stargate the movie 
  * Series: Thoughts in the Darkness Series 
  * Summary: Sara O'Neill contemplates her feelings after Jack returns home from Iraq. 
  * PG [1st] [A] 



* * *

~***~***~***~

Stay with me, God. The night is dark,

The night is cold: my little spark

Of courage dies. The night is long;

Be with me, God, and make me strong.

anonymous soldiers prayer

 

Jack's come home. 

 

I should be elated. And I am. Or I was. Yet now trepidation and anguish have unsheathed a knife that pierces my heart. My head tells me I should be overjoyed, while my wounded heart struggles to beat against the tortured messages of pain and betrayal. And it hurts so badly, there just aren't words to express it, even if there were ears willing to listen. 

_  
_

 

His back is towards me. It’s impossible to tell if he’s asleep, or merely laying there as sleepless as I am, staring away into the darkened corners of the room. It is almost impossible to tell where the darkness of our bedroom merges with the darkness that has become our life together. 

_  
_

 

My husband lays beside me and yet I have never felt so isolated.Not while he was away serving on countless classified missions. Not while he was missing in action in a foreign country. 

 

Not even during the time when I thought he was dead. Supposedly buried forever, beneath the sand of some godforsaken desert. 

 

Because even in death, I felt Jack was still with me in spirit. I felt that, somehow, he was still there beside me, and that everything he had ever been surrounded and protected me. And his eyes shone up at me from Charlie’s face. 

 

His soul, his mind, his thoughts, were with me, just as his body would have been had it been his choice. 

 

I was sure of his love, even when I thought he was dead. Sure that his last thoughts on this Earth would have been of those he left behind. Because he told me, once, that if there were time, if he was allowed, he would think only of us when the end came. 

 

I'm not sure of anything anymore, now that he lies beside me once more. 

 

How could I have been so stupid, so naive, to believe he would return home unchanged? The months that have passed have changed me. How could they not have changed Jack? How could our lives have remained unaltered? 

 

And yet it was to that hope that I grasped as tightly as Charlie once held the corner of his security blanket while he slept. Hope that I couldn't release. And it was hope that kept me going. The hope that nothing had changed. That Jack would be the same. That our life would be the same. Hope for the future. For Charlie, and Jack, and me. 

 

Oh God, I wanted it to be the same as it used to be. 

 

I want it to be the same. So very much.

 

Why can't the past months of darkness just go away, and evaporate like the fragments of some bad dream when you wake? 

 

Why did it have to be Jack?

 

Why did it have to be me who has to go through this? 

 

Life was so good. And now all that was bright and positive in our lives has turned dark and ugly. 

_  
_

 

I feel dark and ugly. 

 

Inside, where no one else can see it. 

_  
_

 

Jack knows.

 

I know he does. 

 

And yet he lays with his back to me. Refusing to give me the comfort of his touch. It isn't fair. It just isn't fair.

 

I want him to make love to me. I need Jack to make love to me. I need to be totally consumed by his love and passion and know that he is thinking only of me. Not some secret bitter time and place he keeps hidden behind his dark eyes. 

 

There are other, better things you can focus on, Jack.

 

Here. 

 

Now.

 

Us.

 

Me. 

 

Is it totally selfish to think these thoughts? To have these desires? To admit to these needs? Even to myself?

 

I don’t know. I don't care if it is. All I know is that I can’t help them. 

 

I need his touch, I need to feel his hands on my body. I need to hear his whispered words of desire. I need to sense his breath on my neck. I need to see his love, shining in eyes that see only me.

 

I need his closeness.

 

I need his love. 

 

I have never been able to hide anything from Jack. Since we first met, he read me like a book. And over the years I learned to read him, too. Maybe not as well as he reads me, but better than anyone else ever has, because he let me inside. He unlocked the door guarding who and what he is and he gave me permission to enter. There are parts of Jack's life I know he will never share, not with me, not with anyone. That's just the way he is and I respect him enough not to demand more of himself than he can give. 

 

But I treasured everything he shared for the gift of trust, and respect, and love that it was. It has never been easy for Jack to share who he is. Not with Charlie, not with me, not even with himself. 

 

I'm so afraid that now his time in the desert has drawn a line in the sand that has become impossible for us to cross. That the essense of who and what Jack O'Neill was, has dried up and died. Has died and left this hollow husk lying next to me, covered with thorns so thick, that now I am afraid to even reach out a hand that might bring a small amount of comfort to him. 

 

To us both.

 

Our lives have become so dark that lying here I can't tell if my eyes are open, or if my courage to go on has shriveled to the point where I have closed my eyes to even one last spark of hope. It would be so easy to give up. Too easy. But I have to remember Charlie. I have to remember what Jack and I had before. It is worth the fight even though I seem to be losing this battle. I have to win the war. There is so much at stake.

 

Oh God, I need a spark. A spark of hope. A spark of courage. Or a spark of determination to get through another minute, and another day, and another night. 

_  
_

 

And I will keep searching until I find that spark. I have to hold on until I find it. For in it lies my only hope. My only hope to regain what we have lost. To become complete and whole again. To find the happiness we shared.

 

I need to keep searching to find a spark, because Jack's only hope, is to see that spark in me.

 

~**fin**~ 

  


* * *

  


> Author's notes: In times of darkness in our lives a tiny spark can be a priceless treasure. Many thanks to Karen, who is my lighthouse, guiding me into the safe waters of a beta'd fic. As always, feedback is very much appreciated.

* * *

> © April, 2003 The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp.  
> The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters  
> who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names,   
> titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.   
> 

* * *

  



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